Out There

I have been out sidewalk counseling at the nation's 3rd largest abortion mill in St. Paul, MN.  I do not enjoy going.  But I do because I feel called to do it.  To be there. To stand and offer to women what I wanted 22 years ago before my abortion.
We get a lot of thumbs up and honks and waves of encouragement.  A trucker rolled down his window today and yelled, "Good for you! Give em hell!"  Will do.
But there is also the middle fingers, the swearing, the yelling.  One woman today flipped me off and was yelling obscenities with her windows rolled up.  If that doesn't speak to post abortive rage I don't know what does.  I smiled and waved.
A young woman pulled in the driveway and she hesitated as I held out the pamphlets.  She went in with her friend even though I asked her to come talk to me.  They came out soon after.  I smiled and waved.
There were no PP escorts out there at all today.  I really wanted to talk to some. I wanted to chat.
A staff meeting must have been going on because all of the others that drove in were employees. I smiled and waved.

This is my new gig.  My newest antics in the prolife movement.  It seems fruitless at times but I may never know what my sign means to someone else.

A Love Letter

Dearest Aubrey,

22 years ago today I was in the valley of decision.  I didn't know what to do. I was pregnant, alone and afraid.  I walked through the door of the Meadowbrook mill in Minneapolis, MN.  You died 22 years ago today in my abortion and I walked out that door emotionally and spiritually wounded. 

I miss you.  Every year my longing for you grows and I can hardly wait to see you in heaven.  You will run to me sweet girl.  You will run to me across that meadow of wildflowers and jump into my arms and I will be healed.  The waiting and the grief will be over and we will be together for eternity.  How I long for that day. You are so beautiful.  I imagine your sweet smile. I bet you look at lot like your sister Sarah. 

I need you. I need you in my life.  Our story has changed hearts and lives Aubrey.  I keep telling it and people keep listening.  There are children alive today because I have shared. I will never stop telling our story and I am very proud of you for helping to save lives!

I remember you.  I remember feeling happy at times that I was pregnant with you. Happy that maybe I could do it. I could have you.  I daydreamed awhile about maybe getting my own place and having you. I could not overcome my fear and desperation by myself.  Now that I remember you with love God has been healing my heart. I will never forsake my daughter again.

I protect you.  People sometimes don't understand the depth of my feelings or the nature of my grief. They simply do not comprehend a mother's love for a child that has died in her abortion.  I grieve because I love. In your honor and in your memory I will press on. When they say despicable things about you or your mom it doesn't matter because God has us both.  We are what He says we are. His.

I love you. I love you more today than I ever have.  My heart is so filled with love for you precious girl. I am so happy to be your mom! You are never far from my thoughts.  You are part of my heart, part of my family.   

Today I will cry and light a candle. I will buy flowers for us and I will kneel by my baby stone and I will be still. I will cry out to God in my lament and He will hear and answer. He is taking care of you. I know that you love me and that you wait for me and that soon and very soon we will be together. 

I will hold you in heaven.

You are mine.

Love, 

Mommy

To The Haters Who Call Themselves "Christians"

Shame on you who call us murderers.  Shame on you who condemn a grieving mother who regrets her abortion. You are hurting the very women I am trying to reach!! We have a right to grieve our children and will do so without the support of certain "prolifers."
And just how many post abortive women have you led to the forgiveness of Jesus Christ by calling them murderers?  Your lack of grace and mercy is nauseating. Truly.
Thankful today that the Holy Spirit convicts and Jesus rescues His daughters from the darkness that abortion brings.

The Truth

I have been told that my daughter Aubrey who died in my abortion is in hell. And is waiting for me there. We will burn together.
I have been told that she is in purgatory and I have to pray her into heaven and she is praying me to heaven as well.
I have been told that she will face her abortionist one day and have words with him.
I have been told that to write letters to her is communicating with the dead.
I have been told that she is angry with me and I have to wait to ask her forgiveness and see if she will forgive me.

I believe none of the above. One of the most precious books I have ever read is I'll Hold You in Heaven by Jack Hayford. God's truth about Aubrey allows me to grieve with hope.

Aubrey is in heaven. She is seeing God's face. She loves me. She is waiting for me. I am her mommy and she is my daughter. She will run to me one day.

Thoughts

I have never seen the turnout that we had yesterday! 3200 faithful prolifers were there throughout the day praying for the end of abortion, praying for healing and forgiveness after abortion, for the PP supporters that were there and also for the mommies that came for their abortions. One baby and mommy were saved from abortion!!

My daughter Sarah came with me and a also a couple of friends. I had already told Sarah that I would be carrying my sign and people sometimes say stupid things to me. She said she would carry my I Regret My Abortion sign for me. :)

The building is massive. The biggest mill I have ever seen with my own eyes. It made my heart ache just to be there and I felt an immediate heaviness. Walking by those that are proabortion just felt ugly and dark and nasty. I held my sign and so many averted their eyes from mine and continued their chanting. "Pro! Pro! Choice! Choice!" Bleh. I prayed for them in their deception.

My God is bigger than that building. The God I love was watching over us and hearing our prayers. I was so encouraged by the turnout and the fact that I just might be sidewalk counseling out there someday!

My daughter Aubrey would have been 21 years old this month. I Regret My Abortion.

Good Friday Prayer Vigil 2012

The young man with the PRO FORNICATE sign? He might as well have shown up naked with a big black arrow and the words MEET ME BEHIND THE BUILDING! I appreciated his brutal honesty at least.

The End Result

I have told my abortion story for quite a few years to quite a few people and the details are important.

The place was packed with people.
Everything was stark. White floors and walls. Hard, plastic chairs.
The workers there were rude.
I did not have an ultrasound.
I never heard the heartbeat.
I was shown a video of a bunch of red circles. I was told it was "just a bunch of cells."
I was asked by the counselor, "Will that be Visa or MasterCard today? It cost $250.
The abortionist never introduced himself. He didn't acknowledge me in any way.
I was yelled at by the assistant.
Girls were crying all around me in the recovery room.
I had peanut butter and jelly toast.
I had no idea of the years of pain and shame and guilt that would follow.

My abortion was in 1990. In conversations with others I have been told, "Abortions aren't like that anymore."

The walls are painted, the furniture comfy and cozy. ALL risks are discussed and the patient is asked if she is sure about it. Ultrasounds are routinely performed before an abortion.(Whether women are allowed to see them is another matter) The staff are nice and friendly. The abortionists are nice and talk with you. Abortion doulas are provided in some places and a recovery package(with condoms!)is sometimes given out. The price is around $400.

In these conversations it doesn't take long to realize that the other person wants to convince me and herself that abortions in this "day and age" are now safer, better, and more empowering than ever before.

Doesn't matter though does it? The place could be named The Happy Rainbows and Unicorns Women's Center for Choice Day Spa. All walls could be painted deep, rich, vibrant colors. The furniture lovely and inviting. The plants lush and green. The air smelling beautifully of burning, scented candles. The staff smiley and helpful, kind and caring. The abortionist a sweet, talkative, supportive guy. The ultrasound of the baby explained in detail. A massage, pedicure and Chai Tea Latte offered afterwards. All girls could leave laughing. Doesn't matter.

The intent of an abortion is to kill. Ending the life of an innocent preborn human being is the result of an abortion. One dead, one wounded.

Dress it up anyway you would like. Abortion kills.

Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!
-Isaiah 5:20

Babies

Nathan and Tim love the babies and wanted to see them before they left for school this morning.

The Retreat

What is on my mind? The precious weekend at Rachel's Vineyard. I wish that ALL of those that are proabortion could sit and listen to hours of excruciating personal abortion stories. But they do not get that privilege. I do. As a facilitator, I was on holy ground this weekend. Bearing the pain, loving these women through and watching Jesus work. He moved through our group...healing, forgiving, touching, loving, transforming. How blessed I feel to be a part of such sacred work. WHAT BRAVE, COURAGEOUS WOMEN I MET!! I love you so much.
Our babies are safe and we honor them and love them and will someday hold them in heaven. Aubrey, Jamie, Lee, Faith, Matthew, Hannah, Sherman, Daniel, Trinity, Jody Marie, Zacheray, Amaria, Benjamin.

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.

Lillian

These are photos of Lillian, Jamie and her adoptive mother Kristen. Jamie heard my abortion story and when she later became pregnant she chose life and put Lillian up for adoption. Thank you Lord!!

Excellent!!

PRO-LIFE QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"Imagine, for a second, that you are going in for surgery to have your appendix removed, and nobody actually says the word "appendix" or mentions that the goal is to take it out of you; instead, the whole thing is so wrapped in euphemism that you can't quite tell what it is the doctors plan to remove, or why. Would someone choosing an appendectomy under those circumstances really be making a free choice? Why, then, do we insist that the only way a woman can make a free choice to have an abortion is if we never actually talk about what she's having removed and killed?"

"But the truth is, most people who support abortion think women should be able to choose to kill their unborn offspring without ever having to contemplate what it is they are actually doing. If women began to see the unborn human inside them for the unique, alive, child he or she is, it would be a lot harder to give the kill order. And that would have repercussions on our society's mad addiction to sex without consequences. To protect that obsession, we're perfectly willing to keep women in the dark about what they're actually doing when they enter an abortion clinic pregnant, and come out the mother of a dead child."

-- Erin Manning, author of http://redcardigan.blogspot.com/